Day of Chemo Round 11- Current mood, if cancer had a face I'd love to punch it, over and over and over....
I typed that previous statement above^^ early Monday morning as I sat in the car as my husband took our son into my in laws so they could watch him as Mommy goes for treatment. My mood was, to be blunt, shitty. One I didn't want to go to chemo (I was screaming that inside like a little kid) lol and two I didn't want to feel how I'm currently feeling, or how I've been feeling on and off these past six months. BUT I got over the pity party, pulled up my big girl pants, and hulled my butt to chemo, or should I say my husband hulled me.. Lol
We both have a love/hate for chemo days.. Jamie (my husband) knows how bad they affect me since he sees it personally, but we both know it saved me and cleared the cancer. SO, it's complicated.. ;)
I couldn't be more grateful though that this is our second the LAST chemo. I feel the effects even more each time, it's so crazy. It shows on my face (if I don't wear makeup) lol.. I'm ready to feel myself again. Chemo has a very draining affect on your mind, body and soul. Probably just from all the crazy chemicals killing the good and bad in your body I'm sure. My energy with it is dwindling down fast along with my patience, so thank you lord that I'll be reaching the finish line in a few short weeks!
One thing the nurse was telling me about this last time which I found interesting, is that the chemo speeds up all your bodily organs. Making them work a lot faster and harder. Why? Well because the chemo is going into my body and breaking up all the cancer/cells, still even though my cancer no longer shows on the PET Scan, since our clear scan in Oct. :), the chemo is still killing off the nodes that were affected by the cancer. Hence why you have to complete your entire chemo series so you don't run the risk of it returning or not being fully cured. It was just crazy to hear how your body can do all that inside (we of course don't see this havoc on the inside), but no wonder I feel and look the way I do lol, my body is in extreme OVERLOAD.
On another note my mood seems to be the worst this time. I feel like my brain is scrambled eggs.. It's like I can't settle my thoughts or concentrate. I know that's from the chemo, but it doesn't help someone who's OCD lol. I want to reorganize the entire house ALL at once and I don't have the patients for any of that lol.. These are what they call "chemo hangovers" (in my book) and let me just say you never know what your going to get each hangover, that's for sure!